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Dog Politics
by Brian Dear

Originally posted in the WELL's media conference, Fri 2 Oct 1998, in a discussion about the congressional elections going on that year.

Reminds me of my English Bull Terrier's political opinions. The primaries are over here in Washington State, but, as I fully expected, the signs didn't come down. There are still all these damn political signs all over the roads and sidewalks and fenceposts and utility poles. In my neighborhood, someone must have gotten annoyed enough to yank all the signs out of the ground and throw them in a pile.

Much to my pleasure, my English Bull Terrier regularly pees on the pile. Poor Linda Smith. Poor Patty Murray. Poor Bryan Griggs, with this green lettering, four-leaf-clover, and the letters "GOP" (I tried calling his office, oh so anticipating asking whoever answered, "What does G.O.P mean?" to which I know they would reply, "Republican Party", to which I was fully prepared to reply, "Yeah but what do the letters G-O-P stand for?" to which I was so hoping they would not be able to reply -- I would so love to know how many Americans know what GOP means. Alas, whenever I called the wannabe-Honorable Mr. Griggs' campaign office, nobody ever answered the phone). All these politicans' signs, and more, all piled up along the side of the road. Nobody to collect them. More pollution for the neighborhood.

I am training the English Bull Terrier diligently to poop on the pile as well. So far the training has not been, shall we say, successful. It's rather awkward to walk over and through a pile of plastic political primary signs and yard-long wooden stakes. I am sure the English Bull Terrier thinks I have truly lost it, to encourage him to, shall we say, "go", on top of these sharp, shiny, pointy and wholly unnatural objects. I am confident, however, that the training will pay off in the, shall we say, end.

(I wonder: if I feed the English Bull Terrier N times as much food as normal, he will have to be, er, successful, at least N times as much. So I could increase my (and his) odds of a successful training program by N by just giving him more food! We shall see! :-)


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