September 22, 2006

If I could just speak to the CFO...


"Eventful, this is Brian, can I help you?"

"Hello, I was wondering if I could speak to the CFO of the company?"

"May I ask what this is regarding?"

"Well, I'm from [insert name of equity financing company here] and we specialize in equipment loans for emerging companies just starting out."

"Let me guess, you saw a press release somewhere about our getting a second round of venture capital funding?"

"Why yes---"

"Sorry, I don't think it's a good fit, it's not like we lease big iron, we use cheap commodity PC equipment. We've been getting a ton of calls like this and it's just not a good fit, but thanks for calling."

"Oh ok, well good luck with your business."


"Eventful, this is Brian, can I help you?"

"Hello, is this Brian?"


"Brian Dear?"


"This is [insert bloke's name here] from [insert bloke's big private equity bank division of an even larger multinational investment banking conglomerate] calling to say hello and introduce myself. We offer a great line of private wealth management options for senior executives such as yourselves..."

"Let me guess, you saw a press release announcing we closed a second round of venture capital funding and you think the next step is a big fat IPO?"

"Well . . . yes."

"And that I'm going to need professional assistance with all of those millions."

"Something like that."

"Well, nice wishful thinking but I assure you it's the last thing I am thinking about right now. And besides, I would not be interested. Just not a good fit but thank you for calling."

"If I could just say that the . . . "

"Really, I'm kind of busy."

"How about I call back in three months to check in?"

"It won't make any difference."

"Six months?"

"Whatever. Got to go. Ciao!"

* click *


"Eventful, this is Brian, can I help you?"

"Hello, if I could speak to the CEO or the CTO?"

"And this is regarding?"

"I'm [insert sales rep bloke's name here] from [insert sales rep bloke's company here] here in San Diego and we offer data colocation and bandwidth services and..."

"We're happy with what we have now."

"And may I ask who you are using now?"


"Well, we offer competitive rates and---"

"Sorry, just not interested. Not a good fit. No time. Gotta run."

"How about I call you back in a month?"

"Sorry, don't think so."

"Three months"?

"Ok, call me back in 24 months and we'll see."

"Great, I am penciling you in for a call in September 2008. Talk to you then!"

"I cannot wait. Bye."


* click *


"Eventful, this is Brian, can I help you?"

"Can I speak to Brian Dear?"


"Hi, this is [insert bloke's name] from [insert bloke's very large mutinational private investment bank] and if I could just have a moment of your time to tell you about the extaordinary opportunities now emerging in the bond market---"

"Sorry, not interested."

"Well, how about mutual funds?"


"Hedge funds?"


"Real estate investment trusts?"


"International emerging markets?"


"Wealth management?"

"Sorry, simply not interested."

"How about I call you back in a month?"

"How about three years?"

"Fine, I've got you down to speak to you again in September 2009. Thanks for your time!"

"The pleasure was all mine."

* click *


"Eventful, this is Brian, can I help you?"

"Hey Brian, this is [insert bloke's name] from [insert financial services company's name]. We offer financial services---"

"I'm sure you do."

"Well, would you be---"

"No, I'm afraid I wouldn't."

"How about---"

"Sorry, gotta run, byebye."

* click *


"Eventful, this is Brian, can I help you?"

"Hello, could I speak to the person in charge of [something or other]?"

"I could probably answer your question."

"Okay, I'm [insert lady's name] from [insert lady's company] and we sell postage metering equipment. I'd like to---"

"Sorry, no need. No fit. We do bits not atoms."

"Excuse me? Bits? Bits of wha---"

"Thank you, good day."

* click *




"Eventful, this is Brian, can I help you?"

"Yes, hello sir this is [insert bloke's name] from [insert name of bloke's very very large multinational corporation] and we're updating our records and have a few questions. What is your current revenue?"

"Um, what fee will you pay me for this update?"

"I'm sorry sir. Your current revenues?"

"What fee will your company pay me to provide you with information about my company?"

"Sir, we do not pay any fees."

"Well, but you sell this information right?"

"No sir. We are just updating our records."

"Who uses these records?"


"I mean, companies contact you looking for information on other companies, and they pay you fees to get that information, correct?"

"Well, yes, sir."

"So, like, you get paid for the information that companies provide you, so other companies can use that information somehow."

"If I could just update some of our records, sir..."

"Well, hmm, what do your records show already? I'm intrigued. And how did you come about getting the information in your records?"

"Sorry to bother you sir."

* click *





Posted by brian at September 22, 2006 08:05 AM


Nicely played with that revenue updater. Very BOFH.

I didnt get a chance before: congrats to all of you guys on round B. See you at some lunch at UTC.

Posted by: Scott Perry at September 22, 2006 10:18 AM

I laughed out loud. Awesome.

Posted by: Joe Crawford at September 28, 2006 07:09 AM

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