All Venture Capital Panels for Startups Are The Same

I didn't attend Guy Kawasaki's The Art of the Start conference, despite the umpteen email soliciations urging me to attend (just look who's going to be there! Imagine how much you'll learn! Why, you may have already won!). And now, Guy's emailing me with post-conference upsells: I might have missed the conference, but that's no reason to miss the conference! Why, now it's possible to buy 8 recordings for the low, low price of $35.00, that's right, $35.00 gets you eight MP3 files you can download and listen to on your own! Sorry, at this point I have seen and heard enough of these panels and lectures to say with a fair degree of certainty that they are all the same. So in an effort to save you a bunch of time and aggravation, here's a transcription of the eight recordings. I believe that it is essentially a transcription of all past and all future venture capital startup-howto -wannabe panel sessions, so read it and free yourself of the need to ever attend such an event yourself:

"Welcome blah blah blah how to get going from just an idea blah blah blah critical success factors blah blah blah how to jump-start your company blah blah blah blah blah blah pure talent and winning ideas are never enough blah blah blah blah blah blah how deals happen blah blah blah what it takes to get rich like me blah blah blah we actually really don't know any more than you do blah blah blah but we're real good at fooling you blah blah blah I mean, what has Garage Technology Ventures actually done lately blah blah blah what's hot and what's not in 2004 blah blah blah Powerpoint is dead blah blah blah why it's important to make killer Powerpoints blah blah blah blah blah blah if you have to get on an elevator to make a pitch, you're an idiot blah blah blah it has nothing whatsoever to do with how great your business idea is blah blah blah it is completely and totally about who you know, and more importantly, who knows you blah blah blah it doesn't really matter who you know actually blah blah blah it's all about who knows you and think's you're "the guy" blah blah blah if nobody thinks you're "the guy" you might as well pack up and go home blah blah blah there are not really any rules to get funded blah blah blah they either like you or they don't blah blah blah if your idea really is that great, nobody will get it blah blah blah and you'll spend years beating people over the head in an effort to get them to understand it blah blah blah and the people who say they do understand it are not the ones you ought to be doing business with in the first place blah blah blah the people doing the funding really don't know that much blah blah blah but they know a lot of people which is what their true value is blah blah blah don't even bother trying to raise money for your venture unless you don't need it blah blah blah optimizing success factors blah blah blah minimizing risk factors blah blah blah VCs are basically bosses, and the CEOs of startups are essentially project managers for projects the bosses gave green-lighted blah blah blah if you aren't projecting 50million in revenues by year 5, don't even talk to us blah blah blah if you're projecting 50million in revenues by year 5, you don't know what you're talking about blah blah blah always be honest blah blah blah you gotta hype it to get us interested blah blah blah team is everything blah blah blah revenues are everything blah blah blah if it isn't shiny it won't get our attention blah blah blah systematic approach blah blah blah market definition blah blah blah executive summary blah blah blah we are now $35 richer blah blah blah and you are $35 poorer blah blah blah thank you and good night."

Posted by brian at June 30, 2004 06:16 PM | TrackBack